Friday, August 7, 2015

Nurgle emerges as front-runner for Labour Leader

(Warning: Satire, and probably bad satire, follows).

In what can only be described as a completely surprising turn of events that was worthy of being orchestrated by Tzeentch himself, Nurgle has emerged as the front-runner in the British Labour Leadership contest.

The bloated, festering and corpulent chaos god of decay is noted as being 22 percentage points ahead of his nearest rival in the leadership contest in the latest opinion polls conducted today, with a reported uncertainty of 3 percentage points. Early analysis points to a plethora of recently joined party members who are indicating that they will be voting for Nurgle in the forthcoming contest, much to the dismay of established life-long members.

"I would have preferred Slaanesh, but he / she is nowhere to be found at the moment" reported one lifelong Labour member on the condition of anonymity. "Its like he's had a huge feast and went to digest it somewhere, but then vanished. So Nurgle it is!"

Other, self-identified more sane members of the party inner elite expressed surprise. "We only had Nurgle on the polling card to give members a well-rounded set of candidates to decide between. Never in 40,000 years could we have ever imagined that he would end up as the front-runner" stated one of the inner circle.

Amongst many policies, Nurgle promises to give absolutely zero hope of a better future, but will offer eternal life if you will only give your soul to him. He's also thinking about hosting a tombola at the county fair in a few months to palm off a bunch of novel virii and might have a ceilidh later to make sure that everyone catches every else's diseases. When questioned about this, he was quoted as saying children at the ceilidh would be made to share the same cups to drink out of.

Several grass-roots supporters noted that Nurgle is offering something that the other candidates simply are not. "He's a pretty honest, genuine, up-front guy who stands by his principles" said one recently joined Labour member. "I mean, I won't be needing the NHS or a dentist again if Nurgle gains power." Another said "Nurgle will ensure that the Tories never gain power again. Like ever. For all eternity ever."

We tried to contact a rival contender for a comment, but all they left was a recording on our answer phone that said "Kill, Maim, Burn!"

(feel free to swap "British Labour Leadership Contest" for any analogue in a different country. I think it still works).

1 comment:

Gothmog said...

Vote for an independent Malal

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